Without 'ships, we're swimming: A love letter

Without 'ships, we're swimming: A love letter

Hello beloved,

We don't see enough of each other I think. Or perhaps you always are looking at me, this half-child of you and Mind.

I only ever see you in our pain, both pure and uncomfortable. A good man has cause to feel pain, a man trying to be good is unremittingly reminded his pain is caused by his selfishness.

We echo sometimes, when I say out aloud, 'I hate'. "I hate being rejected." When we say that we lash outwards hoping our pain is flung away by momentum of our fury.

If only we could emancipate our demons with hate.

Do you fear me my heart? My constant howling unhappiness that I strive to hold back. My griefs I've entombed in you. I've hidden you so well from the world, that they see only our light. Is that why I never feel you in your fullness?

All my adulthood, I've craved to know you now, come to peace with you. I was only shown a single way. To make a screen of another person. To project you on to them, and to meet you in them. To love a woman and find you in her.

I could only know you through my lovers. I allow the bitter shell of watchfulness to crack in desperate craving embraces. To dissolve in the amber honeyglow of intimacy and affection. When bodies are shared, I feel safe enough to share my heart, and for a blinding moment I see you!

My touch would rend you, so I swaddle you away to her embrace that I trust more than my own. I love you at an admiring distant, and spend my affection upon her heart, lavishing it with everything I am too angry at us to give. I am told I am a gentle, loving man..

I wish that sorrow was enough to mend our distance. Partnerships, relationships, even friendships seem too small and narrow to hold so disparate needs. You hold the secret of forgiveness, sweet absolution, the amritsar to cleanse my selfishness. Because I am still selfish in loving.

How far I've come. To acknowledge women as people first and not a passage to happiness. To celebrate their happiness more than my neediness. It required long work and painful honesty, to see my principles were out of alignment with my beliefs. I grew up in the clarity of that discomfort.

To all the women I've loved, thank you for showing up in my life. To all the women who've loved me, all my gratitude for seeing me and sharing yourself. When we have reached for each other, we learnt so much together. Thank you.


For too long, I've rested content on these achievements. Believing that by being open, not pursuing, nor forcing a relationship, I would find a spiritual-partnership. Waiting to hear a resonance, not only in her, but myself.

I hoped I would find you in that song, my heart. That I could build a ship with her to trevass the great sea of spirit and we'd find our hearts together and heal them.

I may still build that ship with someone someday, but I know you have to come first. The tenderness I've learnt in waiting and giving space, it is for you to return. The lessons of anger and pain, I can no longer bury within, but allow, experience and release.

I'll dive into the sea and follow the sounds of our grief. I do not know if I'll find you, the sea is dark and cold, and monsters were spawned into these waters, yet I cannot bear to leave you alone anymore.

I will find you in the sweat of release of ashtanga. I will wordlessly speak to you in breath. I welcome you in the rare snatches of mindlessness I touch. I will be honest when I am hurt, and unguarded when I am happy. I will dance with myself first to the songs you love. I will nurture faith.

Reach for me, as I reach for you my love. Let me meet you in this verse ~

“But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” ~ Mumford and Sons, After the Storm, album Sigh No More.
photo credit: Yesterday's boat via photopin (license)